Rock bottom

March 13, 2014 at 4:01 am (life, lost control)

How do you know when you reach rock bottom? Oh… you just know.
It’s the same time the dark thoughts crawl through your mind. But you ignore them, they must be ignored. And you are left with the shame of reality, all the mistakes that hang on the line of your past, present and future, tightening it. SNAP!

Where are you now?
You are lost. You lost control…

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See

August 19, 2008 at 11:23 pm (delirium, life, lost control, love, under, you)

I woke up today, just after a heavy sleep. Woke up… just to see myself sleeping again.

But, to my amazement, I felt something incredible. With my feet wrapped in the sand, just like Belgian chocolate, the freezing water of the north got me, kicked me. And I just stood and watched. Cause it brought me relief. The grey pale sky, the small, loud waves, they all ate me, ate all my fears, all my problems, all I ever had anyway. I wanted to stay, I wanted to live there, to watch, to let it overwhelm myself…

Was so beautiful.

Like honey falling from my spoon the same morning, creating a maze, spinning randomly. A maze to my heart and soul. Or a random maze to someone else’s. More sweeter than honey, more powerful than the sea, and ultimately more powerful than me.

Two eyes suddenly displaying in front of me, everytime I try to get my mind of regular stuff. Those to eyes I could watch forever. Now lost.

Lost and lonely… blocked… thoughts…

Missing everything

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rewind

July 1, 2008 at 4:00 pm (lost control)

It would be the perfect time to use that button right now. Everything went quite upside-down today. And the smell of popcorn, that should have been fried vegetables, makes me wonder why did i bother to wake up this morning.

And here’s the story of my self dissapointed. Too bad i’m not the only one…

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Help :(

August 22, 2007 at 2:10 pm (lost control)

I wish i could write in a language known only by myself. Cause everything’s too complicated for anyone to bother reading.

It’s about the last few days… when all of my universe seemed to be melting down. I wish I could blame it on the overwhelming panic attacks but it’s not all that. It’s waking up in the morning with a feeling i can’t describe. It’s feeling my mind empty and my body not even mine…

And above all this, that loneliness that takes the smile off my face every day. And the feeling of guilt, guilt that I could do more to solve this thing up. I can’t stop thinking about this. I wish I had the power to do more. But no… maybe I do have it, yet I don’t no how to use it…

And it’s the outside world I totally forgot about, the walks, the parks, the birds and butterflies. The time I used to walk on the river bank, in the middle of the evening and literally cry out loud for help…

I miss her very much… that’s long story short…

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