404 Love cannot be found

September 10, 2017 at 4:12 am (nothing's wrong)

I only have time for irrational love these days.

I don’t need a relationship.

I don’t need endless talks about who I am and what I do.

I don’t care about your feelings.

Don’t be possessive, whatever that means.

Just don’t be!

Thank you and goodbye!

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September…

September 10, 2017 at 4:05 am (nothing's wrong)

Fuck you too!

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Long summer nights

June 18, 2017 at 4:12 am (nothing's wrong)

Summer nights are already long, so why not make them even longer. There’s plenty of time to sleep during the day. This night I cried. A lot. Emotions are still present. That’s a good thing, because I thought I don’t have any left, really. I hugged my mom today, we spent time together. I went out in the evening. It rained. We talked about stuff. We drank wine. And beer. Beer with honey. Because it’s always nice to add something sweet to something not so sweet. The future is uncertain. I feel like I should live more. I’m thinking of all sort of stuff. Mostly sad stuff. I’m also thinking about doing something drastically different in the nearby future. And I’m kind of bored. And tired. My health isn’t great, but there’s no time for that. I started having some regrets today, about my past, about all the mistakes I did, about how my life could have been totally different today. Sure. But maybe it’s just how it’s supposed to be. It’s not that bad. I’m happy. Sometimes. I miss my friends. Thing’s are different now, everyone is seeking something else. We’re not that united anymore. I miss very special friends also. I really really do. I miss a hug. I miss 10 minutes…

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Damaged

March 21, 2017 at 1:42 am (nothing's wrong)

I’m damaged. My body, my soul. Everything. I am scared. I function because of the people around me. I live for the people around me. I don’t live for myself anymore.
I need a reboot. Can I turn back time? Say, 10 years ago. I promise I will make it better. It’s not like I can make it any worse.
People have left me, I have left people. I turned to animals, to God. Although I go on and off about this stuff. I am afraid.
I am a mess, physically, mentally. I can’t go on like this. I’m not sure how long my mind can handle this.

Everybody should leave me alone, I don’t want to disappoint you… again.

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30

October 5, 2016 at 12:30 am (nothing's wrong)

30isthenew20

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That feeling

February 20, 2016 at 5:07 am (nothing's wrong)

I remember you!

That feeling of joy, wonder and paranoia. We meet again.

Actually, I almost completely forgot about you, how foolish of me. I’m completely messed up right now, I’m doing stuff that I haven’t done in some time, my mind flies away, I sleep a lot less, I actually caught a cold. It all happened so fast. Oh well, I can’t really complain, can I? But I should, it’s not like anyone is reading this anyway. I could say anything.

I’m sorry I haven’t been very interesting in the last couple of days, it’s kind of hard to cope with everything. And I miss her, I really do. I know I’m over reacting, but I’m feeling a little depressed, yeah, who would’ve thought that would happen. I mean, I’m usualy feeling it during the spring, but now it came a lot earlier.

I need more offline interactions, hell, I should be writing this on a piece of paper and throw it straight to the can. I will pretend that’s exactly what happened.

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Once

September 12, 2015 at 1:50 am (nothing's wrong)

I fell in love once. It was warm and strange. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling. It was new, it was exciting and it was scary. This happened a few moments ago… on a scale with very large steps. But I don’t really want to talk about this. Although it’s somewhat connected, as it’s, too, something scary and new.

I had a friend once. It was wonderful. It’s like having a cup of tea, but one that you can talk too, and most importantly, it talks back. I can’t find that cup of tea any more and I have lots of things to say to it. It hurts. Sure, there are other cups in the cupboard, but it’s just not the same.

I had a life once. Well, technically, I still do. But what a strange one it is. I just don’t know where this train is heading.

Tunnel.of.Love.original.1220 Sometimes I wish I could just jump out of it. But it’s moving too fast. It’s moving too fast, through an empty tunnel. A cold and dark empty tunnel. Sometimes, I can see holes in the walls, sometimes the sun punctures through. There are times when the train stops to refuel and I can sit and close my eyes. I have dreams, I have memories. I have good times in my head. I just wish I could somehow get them out.

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I deteriorate…

June 14, 2015 at 12:14 am (nothing's wrong)

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Hello World, we’re still here!

May 23, 2015 at 12:44 am (nothing's wrong)

Things are changing, but we’re changing also. I’m still ignoring time. I’m still worrying. I’m still afraid. Also this

When someone you love is in pain, you improve. You improve on anything else. Because you don’t want to add to that pain. You are closer, you are doing things differently. You pause. You pause inside. I paused inside.

There is more to this world than our eyes see, much more than our brain is capable of understanding. It’s fun to understand, but it’s best to feel.

I’m not going to pretend I’m something else, I’ve pretended enough.

On the other hand, I’m sad that I’m not going to be able to walk next to the North Sea again. It helped me before. I made a special connection there. My soul was a bit under the weather at that time. Although I had a different sense of magnitude back then. I thought I lost it all. I did lose a lot, but worse challenges were set up for me in the not so distant future. The sorrow from those days, all of it, it’s in the past now. It took me about 5 years to get over it. I’m sorry it took me so long, it might have been strange for some persons around me.

It’s hard for me to imagine the future. I wish I could just freeze the current moment. It would be even better if I could travel some 3-4 years in the past and freeze there, but it’s hard to bargain over time freezing.

There’s so much to share, so much inside that needs to get out. Maybe some other night, though.

I have trouble sleeping. I have trouble dreaming. Though some troubles have gone away. It seems like I only have a few troubles to bother myself about at a time. Others are buried, waiting to come out.

I used to hate summer, but now I have come to like it. The constant hot air is annoying, also my light sensitivity is pretty annoying, but I like wearing sun-glasses, so at least I have a good reason for wearing them. I like the starry nights, I wish I could see the stars like I did before, no metaphor here, though, it’s just my poor sight that is troubling me. Thunderstorms are a plus too. I wish the nights were a little longer, though. Nights are great when you need to look inside your soul. It’s probably a contrast thing. Just kidding, I’m sure some parts of my soul can easily be confused with the darkness of the night. Not all of them, though.

I love paragraphs.

There is a lot happening around me. Everyone I know is doing something big, way bigger than before, way bigger than what I’m doing. I think I’m still adapting to adulthood.

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There is no end to this…

June 12, 2014 at 2:33 am (d)

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