I’m damaged. My body, my soul. Everything. I am scared. I function because of the people around me. I live for the people around me. I don’t live for myself anymore.
I need a reboot. Can I turn back time? Say, 10 years ago. I promise I will make it better. It’s not like I can make it any worse.
People have left me, I have left people. I turned to animals, to God. Although I go on and off about this stuff. I am afraid.
I am a mess, physically, mentally. I can’t go on like this. I’m not sure how long my mind can handle this.
Everybody should leave me alone, I don’t want to disappoint you… again.
I remember you!
That feeling of joy, wonder and paranoia. We meet again.
Actually, I almost completely forgot about you, how foolish of me. I’m completely messed up right now, I’m doing stuff that I haven’t done in some time, my mind flies away, I sleep a lot less, I actually caught a cold. It all happened so fast. Oh well, I can’t really complain, can I? But I should, it’s not like anyone is reading this anyway. I could say anything.
I’m sorry I haven’t been very interesting in the last couple of days, it’s kind of hard to cope with everything. And I miss her, I really do. I know I’m over reacting, but I’m feeling a little depressed, yeah, who would’ve thought that would happen. I mean, I’m usualy feeling it during the spring, but now it came a lot earlier.
I need more offline interactions, hell, I should be writing this on a piece of paper and throw it straight to the can. I will pretend that’s exactly what happened.
I fell in love once. It was warm and strange. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling. It was new, it was exciting and it was scary. This happened a few moments ago… on a scale with very large steps. But I don’t really want to talk about this. Although it’s somewhat connected, as it’s, too, something scary and new.
I had a friend once. It was wonderful. It’s like having a cup of tea, but one that you can talk too, and most importantly, it talks back. I can’t find that cup of tea any more and I have lots of things to say to it. It hurts. Sure, there are other cups in the cupboard, but it’s just not the same.
I had a life once. Well, technically, I still do. But what a strange one it is. I just don’t know where this train is heading.
Sometimes I wish I could just jump out of it. But it’s moving too fast. It’s moving too fast, through an empty tunnel. A cold and dark empty tunnel. Sometimes, I can see holes in the walls, sometimes the sun punctures through. There are times when the train stops to refuel and I can sit and close my eyes. I have dreams, I have memories. I have good times in my head. I just wish I could somehow get them out.
Things are changing, but we’re changing also. I’m still ignoring time. I’m still worrying. I’m still afraid. Also this
When someone you love is in pain, you improve. You improve on anything else. Because you don’t want to add to that pain. You are closer, you are doing things differently. You pause. You pause inside. I paused inside.
There is more to this world than our eyes see, much more than our brain is capable of understanding. It’s fun to understand, but it’s best to feel.
I’m not going to pretend I’m something else, I’ve pretended enough.
On the other hand, I’m sad that I’m not going to be able to walk next to the North Sea again. It helped me before. I made a special connection there. My soul was a bit under the weather at that time. Although I had a different sense of magnitude back then. I thought I lost it all. I did lose a lot, but worse challenges were set up for me in the not so distant future. The sorrow from those days, all of it, it’s in the past now. It took me about 5 years to get over it. I’m sorry it took me so long, it might have been strange for some persons around me.
It’s hard for me to imagine the future. I wish I could just freeze the current moment. It would be even better if I could travel some 3-4 years in the past and freeze there, but it’s hard to bargain over time freezing.
There’s so much to share, so much inside that needs to get out. Maybe some other night, though.
I have trouble sleeping. I have trouble dreaming. Though some troubles have gone away. It seems like I only have a few troubles to bother myself about at a time. Others are buried, waiting to come out.
I used to hate summer, but now I have come to like it. The constant hot air is annoying, also my light sensitivity is pretty annoying, but I like wearing sun-glasses, so at least I have a good reason for wearing them. I like the starry nights, I wish I could see the stars like I did before, no metaphor here, though, it’s just my poor sight that is troubling me. Thunderstorms are a plus too. I wish the nights were a little longer, though. Nights are great when you need to look inside your soul. It’s probably a contrast thing. Just kidding, I’m sure some parts of my soul can easily be confused with the darkness of the night. Not all of them, though.
I love paragraphs.
There is a lot happening around me. Everyone I know is doing something big, way bigger than before, way bigger than what I’m doing. I think I’m still adapting to adulthood.
How do you know when you reach rock bottom? Oh… you just know.
It’s the same time the dark thoughts crawl through your mind. But you ignore them, they must be ignored. And you are left with the shame of reality, all the mistakes that hang on the line of your past, present and future, tightening it. SNAP!
Where are you now?
You are lost. You lost control…
Oh, you’ve got green eyes
Oh, you’ve got blue eyes
Oh, you’ve got grey eyes
And I’ve never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I’ve never met anyone quite like you before
E tarziu din nou. Linistea noptii nu poate sa deranjeze galagia din interior. Nici macar un tren gol, care trece in departare, nu-si suna cantecul lui ruginit. As vrea sa traiesc in lumea fotografiilor alb-negru. Ele reprezinta un loc in care bucuria e pe primul loc. Pozele cu ursul maro, cu caruciorul, cu bradul imbodobit, un brad impodobit cu zambete. O inocenta rar intalnita in lumea aceasta nebuna.
Visez mereu la vremuri cu soare potrivit, la acel moment perfect din copilarie, cand echilibrul interior nu era problema, ci o setare absurd de obisnuita. O groaza de locuri, care inca exista, in care, teoretic, pot evada oricand.
Exista niste lucruri inexplicabile de care te atasezi fara sa-ti dai seama si ajung sa faca parte din tine toata viata, de exemplul trenurile. Trenurile, mai ales cele mici si inguste, cele care treceau calare pe podul de fier. Un sunet de tren in mijlocul noptii poate sa declanseze o stare de implinire, cat nu ar reusi 1kg din cea mai buna ciocolata. Sa te plimbi cu bicicleta pe langa tren, sa te opresti si sa-i faci cu mana. Un tren gol. Cateodata unul plin. Cu ursi.
Trenul cu ursi nu e o metafora, e o realitate pe care doar unii dintre noi o percepem. E un sentiment ce depaseste iubirea, de cele mai multe ori. E un vis. E, probabil, cea mai frumoasa poezie scrisa vreodata.
Sunt momente cand cauti scaparea. Cand lucrurile din jur iti strabat axonii in sus si in jos. Dar scaparea nu se gaseste undeva in exterior. Pentru ca locul cel mai sigur e tot inauntru. Poate fi un “inauntru” comun, pe care il imparti cu cineva important.
Inca e tarziu. Desi, nu e niciodata tarziu. E mereu devreme.